SCARED


In less than 12 short hours, I’ll be asleep on the operating table for my 14th, and hopefully LAST, surgery.

And I’m scared.

It’s a weird feeling for me. Usually I’m rather calm before these things. I’ve been under the knife enough to know what to expect. I’m practically a professional patient, and I’ve spent enough time in the hospital to be comfortable there. I know what’s expected of me before I can be discharged, and I do it. But it’s not any of these things that has me scared.
I’m scared because….get this…they may have to resight my stoma!
(go ahead and gasp in horror now…)

I realize, in the grand scheme of things, this is probably a small worry, considering all the other things that could go wrong in a surgery. But for an ostomate…well.. See, I’ve had difficult stomas in the past. And they make life a living hell. The stoma I have now is a peach! Perfect size, easy to pouch ( I NEVER have problems with pouching or leaks), in a great location on my abdomen ( low on the right side of my belly…easy to conceal), yada yada. I am terrified I am going to wake up with a retracted stoma, high on the left side of my stomach!
I feel selfish for even worrying about it. Many of my ostomy friends deal with difficult stomas and many other problems that make my given situation seem hardly something to freak about. But I’m REALLY stressed about this. I’ve been nasty all day..to Jon..to everyone. And seeing the plastic surgeon and hearing his long term outlook on the success of the hernia repair didn’t help. He was less than optimistic. So, basically, I could go through this whole ordeal and not even achieve a positive outcome…which is the whole point to doing this.
I’m trying to keep my peace, and trust in the Lord. I know that He is ultimately in control and that no matter the outcome, He works ALL things to the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purposes. I know He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, peace and a sound mind. And I know that if there is an obstacle to overcome in the future, He’ll provide the strength to conquer it.

Still…sometimes I wish I could shut my mind off!

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