I Think I’d Like Another Gift

This Christmas I’m thinking about babies. All around me, women are pregnant. My youngest sister in law had a baby this past September. Another of my sisters in law had a baby last night – a sweet, chubby little baby boy. Three of my ostomy/jpouch buddies are pregnant, and an old friend from my dance years is expecting too.

And then there are those who are suffering. A good friend had a  miscarriage a few months back, and just this past weekend, another friend  lost his baby and girlfriend during childbirth.

The miraculousness that God incarnate came to earth as a tiny innocent baby is not lost on me. For the past two weeks, I have been both terrified and excited that I might too be pregnant. Turns out I’m not, and that brought about such a dichotomy of emotions I wasn’t expecting.

See…it’s probably not a good idea for me to have another child (physically that is). After 14 surgeries, this old (at age 35) body has been through enough. I had multiple issues with hernias and other things after Jaidin was born, and have finally been surgery free for the past 4 years. Putting myself through the stress of carrying, delivering and caring for a newborn has the potential to put me in a health situation where I’m out of commission and not able to care for anyone. Jon and I both know this, and had resigned ourselves to the fact that we’d only have one child.

But the past year or so, we’ve been talking about adoption. Jaidin really wants a brother or sister, and Jon and I both would like to have another kid. But there are so many variables to consider. Do we want an infant, or are we open to an older child? Can we afford adoption? (The answer is no, but we couldn’t “afford” Jaidin when we had her, either). Do we go through a private agency, or do we want to do foster care with the intent to adopt. We just don’t know. So we haven’t moved forward.

I just don’t know. Thinking I might be pregnant was scary – what about my health, how could we afford another child, what if, what if ,what if? But part of me was hoping, really hoping, that there was going to be a baby on the way.

The fact of the matter is that LIFE is a miracle, all life.  If you know anything about human science, you know  how perfect everything has to come together in order to conceive. And that’s just the beginning. A series of miracles has to happen every single day of our lives just to keep us alive.  And if you’re a believer in Christ, you understand the miracle that is adoption and the beauty of being “grafted in”.

Children are a gift from God, and I’d really like another gift. I think…


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