You read that right. Bright and early Tuesday morning, I will undergo my 19th surgery at the Cleveland Clinic.
Most of you know that I haven’t really been “healthy” for about the last 2 1/2 years, but I haven’t elaborated publicly about what’s going on specifically. The long and short of it is that my immune system is attacking my skin, both around my stoma and in the perianal area. Not a fun thing to talk about or endure, but nothing about Crohn’s disease or chronic illness is glamorous or sexy. This “attack” comes in the form of painful, deep abscesses that eat away at my skin, leaving painful open wounds and fistulas. I have been on Humira for 7 months to try and combat the aggressive nature of this immune war, and it has helped. The abscesses have lessened in frequency and severity. But they’re still occuring, and I’ve been left with some areas that just won’t heal. So on Tuesday, my colorectal surgeon is going to excise those areas, believing that removing that diseased tissue will make way for healthy tissue to granulate together and close over.
I wish I could say that, after 18 surgeries, this’ll be an easy one. But the truth is, none of them are easy, and NO, you don’t get used to having surgery, even if you’ve averaged one every other year of your 40 years of life. If anything, the older I get, the harder it gets. Physically, I just don’t recover like I used to. Anesthesia is a real bitch. It wipes me out – not just for hours, but weeks. The “fog” is hard to shake. And my almost 40 year old body doesn’t heal at the rate at which it once did. It’s been through the ringer, and it tells me “Listen- we have done this 18 times. We’re gettin’ real tired of bouncing back. I know you have this, this, and this planned, but um, too bad. You’re going to have to chill while we get our act together.” So, I’ll chill. I won’t like it. But I’ll chill, and hope my body will get it’s crap together quickly, because those of us who’ve done this before know that the hardest part of recovery is the mental battle.
Healing ravaged tissue will be the easy part (hopefully). Antibiotics, packing/dressing, and lots of protein. I know the drill. Well. But the mental aspect of healing and recovery is daunting. Even after all of these years. A positive attitude is hard to hold on to when life repeatedly knocks you down. I once described the phenomenon as “losing my mojo”. I’m a decently optimistic person, I’m more self-aware than most, and I’m generally confident in my abilities, but every time I have a health setback, all of that goes out the window. For whatever reason, I no longer feel capable. I second guess. I need reassurance. I feel needy. I forget I’m a gutless Wonder Woman and instead, feel more like a gutless wonder.
Recovery from my last surgery took 4 months. It was a good 5 months after that before like myself again. I CANNOT deal with that again. I. JUST. CAN’T. There are too many exciting things on my horizon, and I won’t be ready to tackle them head on if I’m not 100%. Would you pray with me, and for me, for a successful surgery, quick and easy recovery, and the support and encouragement I need to battle the days ahead? Thanks friends.